Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Still waiting, stilll waiting

This morning I had a very nice chat with Zen Teacher Jim. He offered some advice for the journey ahead: "You don't know what's going to happen. You can make plans, but keep your mind in 'don't know' and don't get too attached to them. Pay attention to what's happening in the moment."

How will the plane ride be? Don't know.
How will our child take to us? Don't know.
What will his demeanor be like? Don't know.
How well will we get along in China? Don't know.

I may hope things go right and nothing goes wrong, but I honestly don't know. Nobody knows. The family who got quarantined didn't know. The family who is being forced to leave their daughter behind didn't know. The families who have had bonding problems with their children didn't know. The families for whom everything went smoothly didn't know.

What happens, happens. Just pay attention.

I think I was ready for this advice. It resonates with me. I can do it. I know that I'll be emotional, and that getting one's child in China is a generally difficult experience in some ways. I know that, at times, I'll be utterly exhausted. I also know that I have access to Zen Teacher Jim's advice at all times, and that I'm capable of taking it.

People may not know that about me. I like to hash out details, consider contingencies, and make just-in-case plans. I am frequently careful to prepare for emergencies. I occasionally have weak moments of worry. However, I'm also pretty good at this don't know mind. I can do both at once.

I'll miss Zen Meditation, but the scheduling is all wrong for me with the baby, and I'll have other priorities for a while. I told Zen Teacher Jim that someday I'd be back - don't know when.

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