The Chinese, I've been told, are real jokesters. They love to laugh. I bet they even laugh about misfortune - especially considering how much misfortune they've had to face. Serious stuff, like facing starvation for the good of their government, and having no potable water for hundreds of miles around. And having their neighborhoods razed for little compensation to make way for high-rises. And facing dangerous working conditions in factories and mines. And being imprisoned and tortured for writing literature that used to be pro-Communist, but is not considered so anymore.
I, however, am an American. We Americans are not as versatile with the ol' funnybone.
But I'll give it a try.
...
...
.......
Nope. Still moping.
Wo bu shi Zhongguoren, bu gaoxing. Wo shi Meiguoren. Zhe shi bu hao.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Drowning in disappointment (glug glug)
I don't think we're getting into the September group. The other families have already confirmed their appointments and booked their flights. And here it is Thursday already and my phone ain't exactly ringing off the hook.
I can't imagine dragging my poor psyche through another month of this waiting misery. I'm not a lot of fun right now, and I have no plans to stop moping, fretting, snapping, and being generally ornery and intolerable until I get that damn phone call.
I want my son. I have no other children in the meantime to do the parenthood thing with. The prospect of parenthood has been stringing me along for years now, years and years and years, and I do not wish to wait another month.
I have no interest in anything else. I don't want to talk about the house construction, and have people tell me that maybe there's something wrong with my builder if he can't get it done any faster. You know what? That's nobody's business. How would they like it if they fell behind schedule on something, and a bunch of complete strangers called into question their personal and professional worth? The details of the construction project are mine to deal with.
I already told him I want him to finish before the baby gets home. This doesn't mean I'm willing to wait longer for the baby. It means I'm sick of everything falling behind schedule, and I feel the need to stand up and shout, "ENOUGH ALREADY! GET YOUR BUTT IN GEAR!"
Unfortunately, I'm not much of a shouter. I'm more of a sulker and a maker of snarky comments.
Get moving, or there will be snark.
And no, I don't have any huge plans for when I have my baby. Having my baby is pretty much it. What happens when he comes home, will happen, and I'll deal with it then.
I just don't understand why I haven't gotten that phone call. It seems wrong. Have I not been enough of a squeaky wheel? Does harassing my adoption agent have any effect at all? Did China lose all my paperwork and forget I exist? Did they look at it and say, "This one's ready to go, but we're going to randomly set it aside for no reason at all"?
I've been patient. I've been reasonable. But getting strung along while my group - what was supposed to be my group - is getting ready to travel... that's a powerful blow. Even patient, reasonable people double up in pain when they've been hit this hard.
And I know I'm not the only one - Steve and Kate missed being in this group because of paperwork problems. But at least they know what their delay was. Mine is completely inexplicable.
I can't imagine dragging my poor psyche through another month of this waiting misery. I'm not a lot of fun right now, and I have no plans to stop moping, fretting, snapping, and being generally ornery and intolerable until I get that damn phone call.
I want my son. I have no other children in the meantime to do the parenthood thing with. The prospect of parenthood has been stringing me along for years now, years and years and years, and I do not wish to wait another month.
I have no interest in anything else. I don't want to talk about the house construction, and have people tell me that maybe there's something wrong with my builder if he can't get it done any faster. You know what? That's nobody's business. How would they like it if they fell behind schedule on something, and a bunch of complete strangers called into question their personal and professional worth? The details of the construction project are mine to deal with.
I already told him I want him to finish before the baby gets home. This doesn't mean I'm willing to wait longer for the baby. It means I'm sick of everything falling behind schedule, and I feel the need to stand up and shout, "ENOUGH ALREADY! GET YOUR BUTT IN GEAR!"
Unfortunately, I'm not much of a shouter. I'm more of a sulker and a maker of snarky comments.
Get moving, or there will be snark.
And no, I don't have any huge plans for when I have my baby. Having my baby is pretty much it. What happens when he comes home, will happen, and I'll deal with it then.
I just don't understand why I haven't gotten that phone call. It seems wrong. Have I not been enough of a squeaky wheel? Does harassing my adoption agent have any effect at all? Did China lose all my paperwork and forget I exist? Did they look at it and say, "This one's ready to go, but we're going to randomly set it aside for no reason at all"?
I've been patient. I've been reasonable. But getting strung along while my group - what was supposed to be my group - is getting ready to travel... that's a powerful blow. Even patient, reasonable people double up in pain when they've been hit this hard.
And I know I'm not the only one - Steve and Kate missed being in this group because of paperwork problems. But at least they know what their delay was. Mine is completely inexplicable.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Feline time-waster
Have a cat picture.
Why am I posting a cat picture? Because I do not yet have a TA.
I do, however, have a cat.
Zàixiàn wàiyú xúeyuan
Mandarin lessons are over. We enjoyed them very much, and we feel we have learned a lot.
One thing I learned, although I knew it already, is that I hardly know a thing about what it means to be Chinese. I read and study and pay attention, and I feel like, at some point, I should start to know what I'm talking about. I suppose my efforts have made me genuinely less ignorant than most Westerners. But the more I listen, the more I learn that there is still so much to learn. The Chinese worldview, Chinese history, the roles of tradition, sentimentality, and practicality - these are all fish in a river. I can try to catch them, but at the moment they are slippery and I am ill-equipped.
But my family is becoming multicultural. Not only is AwesomeCloud going to become an American... we will also, to some small degree, become Chinese. I take this responsibility very seriously. GuiGui should keep some of his Chinese heritage, and it's up to me to make sure he does, and in order to do that, I must become a little bit Chinese.
My family is already multicultural; the Italians came to America and made great efforts to assimilate into American culture. As our Italian identities faded, we began to value them more, and now we try to hold onto what little heritage we have left. After spending 80 years being as American as possible, what's left is really a bunch of stories and echoes. Our Chinese culture will be even harder to hold onto, because it's so brand new and so incomplete. We're building it up instead of casting it off. AwesomeCloud may, at times, complain that it's phony and wrong. But we have to try. If we don't try, we'll be cutting him off from his culture far more than necessary. And when he's old enough to look back and assess our actions, he'd conclude we didn't care.
Therefore, we must care.
I hardly slept last night. The wait for TA (travel arrangements, which is actually a misnomer, as what we get is a consulate date and a 'Gotcha Day' date, an then we make all the travel arrangements ourselves) becomes increasingly tense. It's still quite possible for us to travel in September. But if we don't get the call within the next week, we're likely to run into the Chinese holiday in October, and there will be no consulate appointments during that time. (It's a multiday holiday, and there will be a lot of people traveling within China. We'd be looking of a delay of essentially one month, the way things work out.)
Insulation Guy #1 is here, taking measurements and giving us an estimate. He's from Russia. I love how multicultural the construction industry is. Insulation Guy #2 will come later this morning to do the same thing and give us another estimate to choose from. I insist on more than the minimum amount of insulation. Pay more now, stay warm later!
One thing I learned, although I knew it already, is that I hardly know a thing about what it means to be Chinese. I read and study and pay attention, and I feel like, at some point, I should start to know what I'm talking about. I suppose my efforts have made me genuinely less ignorant than most Westerners. But the more I listen, the more I learn that there is still so much to learn. The Chinese worldview, Chinese history, the roles of tradition, sentimentality, and practicality - these are all fish in a river. I can try to catch them, but at the moment they are slippery and I am ill-equipped.
But my family is becoming multicultural. Not only is AwesomeCloud going to become an American... we will also, to some small degree, become Chinese. I take this responsibility very seriously. GuiGui should keep some of his Chinese heritage, and it's up to me to make sure he does, and in order to do that, I must become a little bit Chinese.
My family is already multicultural; the Italians came to America and made great efforts to assimilate into American culture. As our Italian identities faded, we began to value them more, and now we try to hold onto what little heritage we have left. After spending 80 years being as American as possible, what's left is really a bunch of stories and echoes. Our Chinese culture will be even harder to hold onto, because it's so brand new and so incomplete. We're building it up instead of casting it off. AwesomeCloud may, at times, complain that it's phony and wrong. But we have to try. If we don't try, we'll be cutting him off from his culture far more than necessary. And when he's old enough to look back and assess our actions, he'd conclude we didn't care.
Therefore, we must care.
I hardly slept last night. The wait for TA (travel arrangements, which is actually a misnomer, as what we get is a consulate date and a 'Gotcha Day' date, an then we make all the travel arrangements ourselves) becomes increasingly tense. It's still quite possible for us to travel in September. But if we don't get the call within the next week, we're likely to run into the Chinese holiday in October, and there will be no consulate appointments during that time. (It's a multiday holiday, and there will be a lot of people traveling within China. We'd be looking of a delay of essentially one month, the way things work out.)
Insulation Guy #1 is here, taking measurements and giving us an estimate. He's from Russia. I love how multicultural the construction industry is. Insulation Guy #2 will come later this morning to do the same thing and give us another estimate to choose from. I insist on more than the minimum amount of insulation. Pay more now, stay warm later!
Monday, August 24, 2009
I speak Mandarin
Today will be our last lesson in Mandarin I. We now officially speak Chinese!
Although Husband'o'mine pointed out that we should not be too eager to use our rudimentary skills in China. If people get the idea that we speak the language, they will switch to speaking Chinese, and then they will discover that we do not actually speak Chinese. We know how to greet, ask basic questions, and offer tea.
However, our new knowledge might be good for listening in and understanding what's going on around us a little better. And we can speak to our child a few phrases he may understand.
Reading the characters, however.... we are not so good at that.
Our roof is done and it passed inspection. Today the builders will start installing drywall. We still haven't gotten our travel date yet. Still waiting.
Although Husband'o'mine pointed out that we should not be too eager to use our rudimentary skills in China. If people get the idea that we speak the language, they will switch to speaking Chinese, and then they will discover that we do not actually speak Chinese. We know how to greet, ask basic questions, and offer tea.
However, our new knowledge might be good for listening in and understanding what's going on around us a little better. And we can speak to our child a few phrases he may understand.
Reading the characters, however.... we are not so good at that.
Our roof is done and it passed inspection. Today the builders will start installing drywall. We still haven't gotten our travel date yet. Still waiting.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Bushwhacking
This photo looks like it should accompany an inspirational poem about following a path carved into a wilderness of juniper.
Instead, I'm just going to mention that hacking back the overgrown juniper is just one of the ways I'm occupying myself while I wait. Gardening is a great stress release. Good thing, too, because when we bought this house, the garden was in desperate need of heavy-handed pruning.
Interesting note: the path you see is a dead end. The juniper is way too thick for a toddler to crawl or wade into it. If GuiGui decides he likes traipsing up and down the stone path, he won't be making any mad dashes into the woods where Mommy will have trouble following him.
He can enter the woods from other points in the yard, which can be a problem at times. I've nearly eradicated the poison ivy, but we still have greenbriar. Greenbriar will teach him a lesson - the hard way!
Unless he takes after me and slips through thorns like they were nothing. I was a little Bre'r Rabbit when I was a kid. Not so much anymore.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Chinese food for birthday
Husband'o'mine said to me today, "I don't want anything much for my birthday. Just take me out for Chinese food." Wink wink, nudge nudge.
We might be in China on or near his birthday, you see. This was even funnier because his sister-in-law announced she's throwing a birthday party for his brother in Key West. (Their birthdays are a year minus 3 days apart.) Husband'o'mine joked, "Nah, we can't go all the way to Key West for a birthday party!"
No way! We're only going to.... China!
IF we get that travel date anytime soon. Come on, travel date!
We might be in China on or near his birthday, you see. This was even funnier because his sister-in-law announced she's throwing a birthday party for his brother in Key West. (Their birthdays are a year minus 3 days apart.) Husband'o'mine joked, "Nah, we can't go all the way to Key West for a birthday party!"
No way! We're only going to.... China!
IF we get that travel date anytime soon. Come on, travel date!
Sunday, August 16, 2009
The effect of endless rain on the adoption process
The weather has been beautiful for the past several days. Absolutely lovely (plus some oppressive humidity, but let's not look a gift horse in the mouth). I've been out doing yardwork. Yesterday, Husband'o'mine and I drove up to Chatham to see KJ, writer of the blog raisingdevils.com, and we stopped at several yard sales on the way. A stunningly beautiful day.
On our way home, we stopped at the supermarket and saw... mums.
Chrysanthemums.
After only a week of summer weather.
My sense of seasonal time is all messed up right now. I'm not the only one, although I may be particularly susceptible to it. You remember how, sometimes, when you were a kid, you'd have to stop and think about whether it was spring or fall? Whether you could look forward to Christmas or the end of school? Remember those brief bursts of seasonal confusion? I still have them. I even have to stop and wonder whether it's morning or evening sometimes. I'm just not so good at keeping a running tally of time in my head.
Which is good, because clock-watching stresses me out. I find it unnecessary to be under that much stress.
The mums make me wonder, a little bit, whether getting seasonal confusion has affected my ability to cope with waiting. Whether, perhaps, it has helped. We've been stuck in an eternal spring. We were disappointed to learn that we wouldn't be traveling to China in June - oops, that estimate was too early. The wait times for each step turned out to be longer than our agent first anticipated. Now we're hoping and praying for a travel date in September.
(KJ assured me it wasn't too late to get a September travel date. I ride my wave of hope a little further. Of course, KJ's reassurances do not actually affect our travel date - that's wholly up to China - but they affect my sense of hope.)
September... it's coming up fast...
But my sense of seasonal time is still in June.
If it weren't, maybe I'd be waiting a lot less gracefully. If my brain were in August, maybe I'd be unable to avoid a full-blown panic.
I still hope to travel in September. If we get pushed back to November, then the weather will get cold again, and my illusion of being stuck in June will shatter. I can't articulate how much that would break my heart, and I'm sure people will discourage me from talking about it anyhow, because they won't want to know. My delay wouldn't quite be a true misfortune. It would just be another month or two lost. And that's not such a big loss, except to me, my husband, and my son.
On our way home, we stopped at the supermarket and saw... mums.
Chrysanthemums.
After only a week of summer weather.
My sense of seasonal time is all messed up right now. I'm not the only one, although I may be particularly susceptible to it. You remember how, sometimes, when you were a kid, you'd have to stop and think about whether it was spring or fall? Whether you could look forward to Christmas or the end of school? Remember those brief bursts of seasonal confusion? I still have them. I even have to stop and wonder whether it's morning or evening sometimes. I'm just not so good at keeping a running tally of time in my head.
Which is good, because clock-watching stresses me out. I find it unnecessary to be under that much stress.
The mums make me wonder, a little bit, whether getting seasonal confusion has affected my ability to cope with waiting. Whether, perhaps, it has helped. We've been stuck in an eternal spring. We were disappointed to learn that we wouldn't be traveling to China in June - oops, that estimate was too early. The wait times for each step turned out to be longer than our agent first anticipated. Now we're hoping and praying for a travel date in September.
(KJ assured me it wasn't too late to get a September travel date. I ride my wave of hope a little further. Of course, KJ's reassurances do not actually affect our travel date - that's wholly up to China - but they affect my sense of hope.)
September... it's coming up fast...
But my sense of seasonal time is still in June.
If it weren't, maybe I'd be waiting a lot less gracefully. If my brain were in August, maybe I'd be unable to avoid a full-blown panic.
I still hope to travel in September. If we get pushed back to November, then the weather will get cold again, and my illusion of being stuck in June will shatter. I can't articulate how much that would break my heart, and I'm sure people will discourage me from talking about it anyhow, because they won't want to know. My delay wouldn't quite be a true misfortune. It would just be another month or two lost. And that's not such a big loss, except to me, my husband, and my son.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Progress, finally! W00t!
We have our Article 5. (What is Article 5, you ask? Well, it's, uh... it's a document that... we don't have to deal with directly. It's a USCIS-to-CCAA thing.)
We went to a clinic and got specialized care and changing instructions for our AwesomeCloud from a nurse. Next we will get supplies.
We have a roof! Yes, folks, a real, honest-to-goodness genuine authentic roof. The roofers are finishing the installation right now.
Next, we will get real, honest-to-goodness, genuine, authentic walls. I'm breathless just thinking about it.
We went to a clinic and got specialized care and changing instructions for our AwesomeCloud from a nurse. Next we will get supplies.
We have a roof! Yes, folks, a real, honest-to-goodness genuine authentic roof. The roofers are finishing the installation right now.
Next, we will get real, honest-to-goodness, genuine, authentic walls. I'm breathless just thinking about it.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Still waiting, stilll waiting
This morning I had a very nice chat with Zen Teacher Jim. He offered some advice for the journey ahead: "You don't know what's going to happen. You can make plans, but keep your mind in 'don't know' and don't get too attached to them. Pay attention to what's happening in the moment."
How will the plane ride be? Don't know.
How will our child take to us? Don't know.
What will his demeanor be like? Don't know.
How well will we get along in China? Don't know.
I may hope things go right and nothing goes wrong, but I honestly don't know. Nobody knows. The family who got quarantined didn't know. The family who is being forced to leave their daughter behind didn't know. The families who have had bonding problems with their children didn't know. The families for whom everything went smoothly didn't know.
What happens, happens. Just pay attention.
I think I was ready for this advice. It resonates with me. I can do it. I know that I'll be emotional, and that getting one's child in China is a generally difficult experience in some ways. I know that, at times, I'll be utterly exhausted. I also know that I have access to Zen Teacher Jim's advice at all times, and that I'm capable of taking it.
People may not know that about me. I like to hash out details, consider contingencies, and make just-in-case plans. I am frequently careful to prepare for emergencies. I occasionally have weak moments of worry. However, I'm also pretty good at this don't know mind. I can do both at once.
I'll miss Zen Meditation, but the scheduling is all wrong for me with the baby, and I'll have other priorities for a while. I told Zen Teacher Jim that someday I'd be back - don't know when.
How will the plane ride be? Don't know.
How will our child take to us? Don't know.
What will his demeanor be like? Don't know.
How well will we get along in China? Don't know.
I may hope things go right and nothing goes wrong, but I honestly don't know. Nobody knows. The family who got quarantined didn't know. The family who is being forced to leave their daughter behind didn't know. The families who have had bonding problems with their children didn't know. The families for whom everything went smoothly didn't know.
What happens, happens. Just pay attention.
I think I was ready for this advice. It resonates with me. I can do it. I know that I'll be emotional, and that getting one's child in China is a generally difficult experience in some ways. I know that, at times, I'll be utterly exhausted. I also know that I have access to Zen Teacher Jim's advice at all times, and that I'm capable of taking it.
People may not know that about me. I like to hash out details, consider contingencies, and make just-in-case plans. I am frequently careful to prepare for emergencies. I occasionally have weak moments of worry. However, I'm also pretty good at this don't know mind. I can do both at once.
I'll miss Zen Meditation, but the scheduling is all wrong for me with the baby, and I'll have other priorities for a while. I told Zen Teacher Jim that someday I'd be back - don't know when.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Oh god, no - the Scruggs family was denied
I'm verklempt.
I mean, what do you say? What do you think? How can a thinking, feeling, professional person deny a family the right to bring their adopted child home? Sure, that professional person is a government official, but he's an American government official.
Here's the link to the Scruggs family journal. Go read it yourself.
I'm so angry. i feel betrayed.
Yeah, I know, I'm not personally involved. I feel betrayed by proxy.
I mean, what do you say? What do you think? How can a thinking, feeling, professional person deny a family the right to bring their adopted child home? Sure, that professional person is a government official, but he's an American government official.
Here's the link to the Scruggs family journal. Go read it yourself.
I'm so angry. i feel betrayed.
Yeah, I know, I'm not personally involved. I feel betrayed by proxy.
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