Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Death by a thousand papercuts

It's a beautiful, sunny day. The builders are hard at work. I have bookkeeping to do. And our adoption is in one of the easiest waiting stages yet. We have more certainty now than in any of the previous stages. We know we've been approved, for real, and we know that AwesomeCloud is going to be our baby and he's waiting specifically for us. We know we're going to China in approximately a month.

We've passed all the tests, made all the tough decisions, and when this last block of waiting is over, we'll be a family of three.

So what's the problem?

I don't know! I'm bubbling over inside; at the end of my rope; rushing downstream in a canoe without a paddle. Zen isn't helping much! Or maybe it is. Maybe without the Zen stuff, I'd be a complete and total mess. Even if the benefits are purely social. I think the best thing about Zen is sitting around silently with a group of people who also have stresses and worries and are also trying to cope with them.

I don't know what their stresses are. I shared mine because it is happy news. One doesn't tend to think of such stresses and worries coming from happy news. In fact, I love how I can mention that I'm adopting in the most positive, joyous terms, and people will still understand that there are implied stresses and worries behind it. I don't have to explain the whole story.

I also like that Zen Teacher Jim has two adopted children of his own. He doesn't have to say, "Been there, done that, I completely understand." I know he does.

The other stuff, though... construction, to-do lists, Mandarin lessons, medical workshops, my job... it's death by a thousand paper cuts.

That must be it. I'm drowning in a sea of little things. I can't just chill out and go with the flow because having a mile-long to-do list requires an enormous amount of attention.

I have to learn the special ways in which to take care of my baby. I have to clean up after the builders every afternoon. I have some ongoing dental work that needs to be scheduled and paid for. I'm still writing thank-you cards for the baby showers. I'm supposed to finish a comic book and hate it so much, I'd rather have more dental work. I have to baby-proof the cupboards, repair and varnish the cat door, spray the new patches of poison ivy, take apart my work computer (in between data entry tasks) and reconfigure the components, sort through enormous stacks of loose papers and file or recycle them, find boxes for piles of assorted junk... ARGH!!

I wish we'd get the call to travel RIGHT NOW, so I can throw my hands up and say, "Oh well!" as I leave for China.

I hope we get the majority of this stuff done before we leave, so we won't have it hanging over our heads the whole time we're in China. It's bad enough I'm going to have to do billing prep until the day we leave and start the billing the day we get home. I don't need to have a thousand personal projects in limbo too.

So that must be the root of it. Nothing I wish for will solve my problems. I have to go solve my own problems. Even while those problems are overwhelming me.

Okay, then! What is next on The Almighty To-Do List? Cat door? I shall repair the cat door.

Woohoo! Gettin' things done. I am made of awesome.

1 comment:

  1. I remember all too well that daunting "to do" list that hung on my fridge just before I left for China! I suddenly felt like I had a million things to do and no time to do it. And my mind just went to mush when our TA arrived and I could barely focus on anything at all. It will all come together somehow for you, but I can't promise that you'll keep your sanity in the process:)