Grieving on Thanksgiving

It was a good Thanksgiving. AwesomeCloud met his great-aunt and great-uncle, and his second cousin, and had a grand old time shoveling mashed potatoes into his mouth. The food was delicious and the company was pleasant.

But I miss my Chica Chica. She died far too young. 7 years wasn't nearly enough. There's a profoundly empty cat-sized space in my heart.

I'm thankful this season, but I'm also sorry. I'm sorry AwesomeCloud won't get to know Trixie as he grows. I'm sorry she didn't have a chance to form a real relationship with him. I'm sorry she felt too ill to be properly catlike with him, and to show him how a cat and toddler should interact together.

I'm sorry I was unable to let her curl up for hours on my lap and be comforted. The baby kept me too busy. I'm sorry I couldn't come to her everytime she called out in the darkness of her brand new blindness. It must have been terrifying for her.

But I gave her a quick scritch whenever I could, and I got down on the floor when she couldn't jump, and I fed her extra soft food when she asked for it. I didn't do badly. I just feel guilty because I can't touch her at all anymore.

I'm sorry you were in pain, Trixie, and I couldn't do any more to alleviate it. I'm sorry I didn't slow down and give you more reasons to purr.

A lot of people may think it's a bit silly to go on and on like this about a cat. But she was a life here on earth, and I was responsible for her. She wasn't just an ornament and she didn't go with the furniture. She was.... she was herself. And she was very special.

We all lost a special family member. AwesomeCloud did too, even if he'll never grasp the depth of that loss. Even if the disappearance of that little furry face in his personal space barely registers.

I wish there were something else I could've done. I feel so helpless.