The problem with defensiveness on the internet

This blog post made me very sad.

The blogger, who used IVF to conceive her children, read some New York Times articles about IVF, and then read a bunch of comments saying that instead of getting fertility treatments, infertile couples should all just adopt.

The commenters at NYT.com are notoriously toxic. They always have been. They're articulate, but that only makes it worse, because then the comments section becomes mobbed with smart people with disturbingly stupid opinions.

The blogger was justifiably angry. So what is her response?

Every time someone declares that infertile people should accept their lot in life and adopt, they should be required by law to adopt a child themselves. To put their money where their mouth is. Shouldn't be a problem, right? I hear it's a piece of cake.

And every time someone says that infertile people should not-just-plain-adopt, but special-needs-kids-from-foster-care-extra-special-bonus-just-adopt, they should have such a child deposited on their doorstep within, oh, let's say an hour. Sign here, and here, initial here, fingerprint here, notary seal here, aaaaand done. Congratulations! You're a parent! Hey, let us know how it goes. I'm sure you'll do a bang-up job. Really, how hard could it be?

And every time someone who's had no fertility problems of their own says it, someone with as many children as they'd like, conceived and delivered without difficulty, they get the full package. The adoption, the special needs and the adjustment issues, and a stiff electric shock where it'll do the most good. What? Oh, you don't like those repeated high-voltage jolts? Sounds like a lifestyle issue to me. I know you'd like for them to stop, but it's not a matter of life or death, sooooooo...

Yeah! Special needs adoptions as especially awful punishments! Excellent! In several years, my kid's going to be able to surf the internet himself and he'll get to read it too.

If not that particular post, then others. She isn't the first to strongly imply that special needs adopted children are the booby prizes of the parenting world. Or even the first to take her own outrage and pass it on to the next group.

Admittedly, she wasn't the one who inserted adopted children into the conversation. The commenters who insisted that adoption, an act of altruism, was better than fertility treatments, a waste of resources, did that. But hey! Once adopted children are mentioned, that makes them fair game!

I especially love how she upped the ante with 'special needs'. We should save the special needs children for the worst offenders. Because they are a special kind of punishment.

Okay, folks, please take note if you will: if you are offended by something you read on the internet, please make sure that your fiery, indignant response will not cause pain to anyone but the specific people you are angry at.

I can understand the sentiment of "I wish you misfortune!" It's time-honored. That's where curses come from.

However, not everything - or everyone - difficult is appropriate to offer up as a curse.

If I fail to pass my outrage onto the next emotionally vulnerable demographic, it doesn't mean I'm accepting the notion that a special needs adoption is the bottom of the parenthood barrel. It just means I'm nice. I don't have any moral objections to IVF - I don't think everyone should do it, but I'm a big fan of diversity and multiple options. I appreciate that IVF was available to me, in theory anyway, in case I wished to have a child by that route. I agree that no one should ever tell a parent that her route to parenthood was wrong or bad.

But the kids of all methods, conception and adoption inclusive, grow up to be people too.

Also, I'd like to add that electroshock therapy is commonly used as a rhetorical device, sometimes angrily, and sometimes with a humorous intent. People need to get a clue. Electroshock therapy is a very real and very serious course of treatment that has been terribly misused in the past, and is coming back into misuse in the present, and has been/is being the cause of much additional, unnecessary suffering to many already vulnerable people. It is not funny.

Updates for AwesomeCloud and Trixie

AwesomeCloud: spending time with his Nona and Poppa today, who are staying till Saturday. After some initial trepidation, he warmed right up to them. My mother is a very enthusiastic, fun, playful sort. If I were a baby, I'd warm right up to her too.

Um. Okay, so, yeah, she's my mother.

Aaaanyway...

Trixie: The vet found a mass in her left ear. It may be earwax, in which case there must be a raging infection underneath to cause her to tilt left and limp in pain. Or it might be a tumor, in which case the vet will need to take samples, CAT scans, and maybe X-rays to make a positive diagnosis.

She gave me antibiotic ear drops. If after a week the mass has not changed, and/or her symptoms have not alleviated, then the tumor possibility will look much more likely.

She almost definitely has arthritis on top of this, and she is most certainly partly or mostly blind.

You'll have to forgive me. Some pets are special above and beyond the general value of having pets. Trixie is a hard-luck cat. Her behavior is not always perfect. She destroys household objects sometimes, especially rugs. She pees on carpets and in suitcases and under beds. Not everyone would love this cat. But to me, she's one of the special ones. She's second only to Shadow, my childhood Maine coon (now deceased) who has now reached legendary status in my family for her many amazing qualities.

Trixie is amazing in her own way, too. And she's drop-dead gorgeous, startlingly so, considering the hard life she's led. (I mean, aside from having her every whim catered to after we adopted her.) Seeing her suffer like this, and tending to her in her time of need... well, my heart is taking a beating.

AwesomeCloud is doing great, though.

Early Intervention and poor Trixie

The Early Intervention ladies came today to evaluate AwesomeCloud. They were warm and friendly and many of their skill-testing games amused the kiddo. But it was a long visit, and by the end he was stressed out and I was exhausted. After they left, I strapped him into the stroller and we took a relaxing walk. Well, okay, not so relaxing for me.

Then we had a nice lunch that went on and on, with me scrambling to find one more thing to feed him, one more thing, until finally I decided the "full belly" endorphins were sleeping on the job. I picked him up and he got very upset that lunch was over. Very, very upset.

Funny. Merely 2 hours before, a plateful of eggs had filled him up enough to play "squeeze the nipple and dribble the milk all over the living room rug" instead of drinking.

I know kids play with their food, and I know their food-playing choices often make no sense. But that doesn't mean I have to like it.

So, screamy sobby baby went right to naptime. I held and rocked him for two Irish ballads, during which time he turned into yawny drowsy baby. I put him in the crib, a situation which utterly devastated him for 30 whole seconds. Now he's out like a rock.

And I don't know what to do with the next hour. Should I wash a bazillion dishes? Do yardwork? Answer the emails that have been sitting in my inbox for a week or so? Nap too? Work on my novel? Argh. I'm too tired to make decisions.

Okay, I sent the most important email: the one to the vet talking about Trixie's condition. I'm convinced she had a stroke. The vet is still considering arthritis. Trixie tested negative for a UTI. (Sorry for blaming you for that, Mom! It probably wasn't the Alley Cat cat food that made her sick after all.) She also tested negative for diabetes.

So... thank goodness for small blessings?

Also, I think she's lost her eyesight suddenly. Strokes can cause blindness, right?

She could have both a stroke and arthritis, certainly.

Tired

It's a beautiful, crisp fall day, but I'm way too tired for it. Mama has much less energy and patience than a small boy thinks he ought to expect.

We did go grocery shopping and to the pharmacy, and then we went to the next town to buy a pair of overalls we found on Craigslist - brand new for $5! I need 10 more of them! So it wasn't a completely empty day.

AwesomeCloud is trying his hand at being mischievous. So far he isn't very good at it. Squeezing the nipple of his bottle to dribble juice on the rug, or tossing a book in the general direction of the cat, are the worst he can do.

Today when he tossed a handful of couscous over his shoulder, he found that I have very little patience for such things. I'll play "Mama fetch" with a toy for 5 or 10 minutes, but if it's food he's throwing, that food goes away.

At lunchtime today, I didn't have to go that far. My withering glare made him cry. And then he had to endure such caustic remarks as, "I'm less than sympathetic. You should have thought of that before you threw your food. Are you still crying? Wow, you sure cry a lot."

It's funny - when I remark that he's crying excessively, he attempts to pull himself together. I don't know if he has the faintest clue what I'm saying. Maybe something in my flat tone of voice suggests to him that his efforts are being wasted.

He has the occasional long-term crying jag, so it's not like his crying stamina is poor. And if I drop the attitude, sometimes he'll start being a pain again. I dunno.

Gah, I wish I weren't so tired. I'm wasting this perfectly good nap hour.

It's a spider costume. All you can see are the eyes and teeth, but it also has little legs sticking out of the sides under his arms, and if you look at the whole thing, it's super-cute. I wish we had an excuse to use it again! I guess we'll just pass it on to the next family for next year.


Here he is playing with some toys after trick-or-treating. I was originally going to skip Halloween this year because he's so new to the family and I was afraid the holiday would be overwhelming. But he had a pretty good time. It was a low-effort event for him. He just sat in the stroller and occasionally had pumpkin bread popped into his mouth at the party. And then trick-or-treating was more relaxing stroller time while Daddy begged strangers for candy.

Ah yes, Daddy. Daddy had a costume too. Hmm...

Ah yes. There's Daddy. Amazingly, AwesomeSpide - I mean AwesomeCloud! - was not afraid of Rorschach (a dark superhero character from the book/movie The Watchmen).

My costume was a lab coat. I've been a mad scientist every year for 6 or 7 years, and this year the lab coat was the only piece of my old costume that I bothered searching for. Part of the problem is that I very rarely have a reason to dress up for Halloween. I'm not a frequenter of costume parties.

Cloth diapers, broken stroller wheel, Children's Hospital

Cloth diapers: We bought 12, plus 6 covers. They've already paid for themselves in the amount we save not buying disposables, I'm sure. Disposable diapers aren't cheap! Cloth diapers aren't either, but they're durable. I've already washed them 50 million times.

I only have 12, though. That's enough for a day and a half.

They're great in that they have high waists, and they prevent AwesomeCloud from scratching himself in his medically sensitive areas.

They're bulky, however, which is not so great. His 18-month clothes don't fit over them. He has 5 pairs of overalls that still fit. Other than that, I think I'll have to buy 4-year-old clothes and hem them. I've been saying that for a week and I haven't done it yet. But we're drowning in baby clothes, and I've been trying to organize them and look for pants I can add to the 'fit' pile.

My neighbor gave me a lead on a brand of cloth diapers that are less bulky and very well designed. But he couldn't remember the brand name. I will have to ask him again sometime.

Broken stroller wheel: You may remember that our carseat/flightseat/stroller lost a wheel in Nanjing. What a sweet little contraption it would have been if it hadn't broken! Zooming the kiddo easily through airports, retracting the wheels at the last second to create an instant carseat.... instead, we had to carry the kiddo by hand, and the stroller too.

We emailed the manufacturer and they sent us a brand new wheel and installment instructions. The carseat/stroller will live again! Except... well... we haven't had a chance to install it yet. But at least we have the new wheel.

The customer service rep wondered if we'd send them a picture of the kiddo in the carseat/stroller. I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, he's plenty cute enough to be a model. And I do like the product. On the other hand, it broke when we needed it most, inconveniencing us terribly. Allowing them to crow, "Our product helped this child's family when they went to China!" is a tiny bit dishonest. But... he's a super-cute model. And maybe they won't mention China.

Boston Children's Hospital: I have been there twice and I have some impressions and advice for those families who may visit it in the future.

It is bright and colorful, to the point where you can't help but be cheered up a little. Every corner and corridor declares, "We care about children!"

Even so, it's huge. The place is a maze, and the route to your department is not always obvious. Ask directions early and often. Flag down anyone with an ID tag and ask where you should go. Flag down 4 or 5 of them, in case some of them aren't sure. Helpful people are everywhere.

I found that bringing along a friend or non-immediate relative was extremely helpful. Someone who isn't as invested in your child's health can help you stay calm under stress. They can help you read the signs, flag down the aforementioned staff members for you, and take notes if your child is demanding all your attention. They can hold and/or entertain the child if you need the restroom, or if you just need to take a break for a few minutes. And since they won't be worrying as much as you, the two of you won't end up in a worry-feeding spiral. That can be a problem if it's you and your spouse.

Brace yourself to see children who are sicker and more severely disabled than yours. It can be both depressing and enlightening at the same time. I felt sad for their families that I had a bouncy, healthy son with me while they looked forward to a lifetime of struggle, pain, and in some cases imminent death. At the same time, I felt glad for myself.

Sometimes, when people who know my baby is SN say, "Aw, poor thing! It's amazing that you'd do such a wonderful thing like adopt that poor special needs baby!" I cringe. I find myself defensive, at a loss for words. I think, now, I'll be even more so. Sorry, what? Poor baby? Who? I'm the lucky one. He's the nearly-perfect one. We're not amazing; we're just a couple of ordinary schmucks who just got our lives enriched. We just go to doctors' appointments now and then and soak in the good news about complications he doesn't have. We're not one of those near-saintly families who bust their butts keeping their child alive one more day, one more day, one more day.

With adoption, you can say no to that kind of lifestyle. You can hand-pick your child to make sure the challenge isn't too great for you. A discomfiting thought, but it's true. You can't help looking at a child strapped tightly into a wheelchair with tubes everywhere, and thinking, I wouldn't have chosen a child like that. The harried, bleary-eyed daddy pushing her across the lobby wouldn't have chosen her, either... but... well... nobody gave him the choice.

We all rise to the occasion, if we can. Some situations are just easier than others. And harder than others. Our family is in the middle somewhere, but it really hits me how very, very lucky we are. How many difficulties we avoided having. When people pity us, they're only comparing us to the absolute best-case scenario.

But, you know what, I think we're close enough to the best-case scenario.

As my sister once wisely said, "Every baby is a sick baby sometimes."

Yay healthy baby

This will be a short entry, because even though today's tests were easy, today itself was hard. I was fortunate to have my great-aunt along as we went to Children's Hospital. It was nice having her there to talk to, and she helped keep the baby entertained during the waiting periods.

AwesomeCloud's kidneys are healthy! Hooray! That was the first test.

We have not yet gotten the results from the second test, which was upper GI. That was the more difficult experience, as we had to hold his limbs in place, and he was not happy to be restrained.

Afterwards we went to my great-aunt's and grandmother's house (AwesomeCloud's great-great-aunt and great-grandmother) for an early supper. He was hungry after all those tests and car rides. He had yummy delicious mashed potatoes and carrots, and I had linguine and meatballs. Mmmmm, Grandma's meatballs.

Then we had another long car ride home. He's asleep now, and I will be asleep very soon.

I had forgotten I brought the camera. I wanted to take pictures of the relatives holding their new great-grandson and great-great-nephew. Oh well. I will next time.

AwesomeCloud likes the floor now

Here he is going shopping for pumpkins with daddy. That was the smallest pumpkin they had! It's on our front stoop right now.

What should I do with it? Draw a face on it with a black permanent marker? Carve it? Cook it? Leave it intact and toss it in the compost pile later to help the opossums fatten up for winter? More than one of those? The decision is up to me, of course. If I felt I had the leisure time to do it, I'd give it a good scooping, carving, and processing and then make 3 or 4 yummies with the insides. I don't know about that now, though. Starting on November 1, I'm joining NaNoWriMo and writing a 50,000 word novel in 30 days.

I don't even read fiction! And I have a brand new baby! But it'll enrich his life to hear the story of how Mama and Daddy participated in NaNoWriMo one month after he got home. We refused to skip a year, even for parenthood. That's commitment!

And, when we fail to reach the 50,000 words, he can learn that failure is okay. Don't give up just because you know the odds are against you. Writing 20,000 words with a baby in the house is its own kind of success. Hey, even keeping a blog is a decent accomplishment.

Tomorrow we get tests at Boston Children's Hospital. They won't be difficult tests. We'll be all right. It's actually kind of exciting that his medical treatment is zooming right along! I'm not a big lover of doctors' offices, so if we can do this quickly and easily, it suits me.

Doctor, doctor, gimme the news...

Things continue to go well. AwesomeCloud grows and improves in leaps and bounds. He's such a joyful, happy, giggly kid. And have I mentioned he's cute? How did we end up with such a great little boy? We're so, so, so lucky. I keep looking at him and marveling at how lucky we are.

People say we're doing a great job with him, but I really think he's the one doing his own great job. He cheers me up. He's the one who giggles at everything and blows kisses. I didn't teach him all that. He's the one teaching me that if you put on some techno music and bounce a baby on your lap, suddenly the world is a wonderful place. He's the one who celebrates unsweetened oatmeal by kissing at it. He's the one who interrupts his own crying jags with a sudden gleeful squeal.

I'm just along for the ride. I provide the toys, the music, the dangling set of housekeys. I'm the one singing "Let's Go Fly a Kite" for the entirety of a walk around the block so he can stare in wonder at the colored leaves to my droning voice.

Yes, I read National Geographic while I'm feeding him so he doesn't get my full attention. Yes, I put him down on the floor and leave him there while I feed the cats or put laundry in. I have a naturally sharp tongue and I'm training myself to say, "Methinks the baby doth protest too much" instead of nastier remarks. I'm not perfect in every way. Sometimes I'm afraid I'll spoil his joie de vivre, dampen his potential, maybe damage him for life, but then I realize it's probably physically impossible to drag this kid down. He's got it all under control.

We are astonishingly lucky to have him. He's going to bring this family in all new directions. Exciting directions. I'm astonished, at least. How do I empower a kid like him? It'll have to become my life obsession. That's good, though. I was looking for a life obsession.

There is bad and good medical news. The bad news is Trixie's. I brought her to the vet on Friday, suspecting a UTI. She's weak and lethargic, especially in her back end, and she's been spotting in her litter boxes. The vet thought she had more than just a UTI, however. Diabetes and arthritis were her top two guesses. She got an antibiotic for the UTI and we'll hear the results of the barrage of "senior cat" tests on Tuesday. I'm nervous. She's only 10 years old. I'm not ready for her to have diabetes.

The good news is AwesomeCloud's. He gained 2 lbs in the 3 weeks he's been home. He is now in the 'normal' range for weight! And almost there for height. It's amazing to think he was of below normal size, but his developmental delays are more pronounced than his physical delays, so he seems like a large baby rather than a small toddler. He's on the fast track to learning how to walk, though. He'll catch up in no time.

Today we saw the specialist, and it looks like his surgery will be a breeze... well... all things considered, I mean. Surgery is still surgery. But his condition comes with few to no complications. We're getting some tests on Thursday to look for hidden complications in his internal organs, but even if he has a hidden problem or two, the surgery will still go forward. The upcoming tests are noninvasive - ultrasounds and stuff. Today my sister-in-law came with me; she's a nurse and she helped with the infodump by knowing how to listen to medical professionals. And it was a joy to see two of his cousins on the way home.

This is going to be all right.

By the way, the open invitation to invite yourself over still stands. Just call first if you can come visit, because our schedule is starting to have a few things on it.

Mama uses her alone time to clean

This will be a short entry. I have 1 hour to clean the kitchen before Daddy and the Cloud come home from driving around aimlessly. I meant to clean the kitchen last night after he fell asleep, but guess what - I fell asleep too. And melted a pot of bottle nipples that were being sterilized in boiling water. Fortunately Rick found them before the house burned down. Also fortunately, not every nipple was in the pot.

Today we spent a lot of time outdoors. It was a beautiful day. If I were able to spend hours per day doing yardwork, I'd have plenty to keep me busy. Forgive us for having a neglected-looking yard.

Hey, if anyone has some time free on a weekday and wants to drop in, please invite yourself over. Please please! I'll make lunch! Lunch might be cream of wheat... but I'll make it!

Firsts!

Yesterday AwesomeCloud went to his first street fair. He had clam chowder for the first time and loved it, although he had trouble with the soupyness of soup.

Then he went to his first rock concert. It was at the Forestdale Baptist church. Our friends, the minister's wife and family, invited us. The first band was made of teenagers, including the son of the minister and his wife. They were very good; we were impressed! The second was a Christian blues band. (Hey, we like music of all kinds.) AwesomeCloud had an awesome time, rocking from side to side and joining in with his rattle.

Today he started using the "d" sound regularly for the first time. He said "da dee" to the contractor. Then later, he said "da da" to his dad.

He also reached up to signal he wanted to be picked up for the first time.

That one moves me the most. He's making gestures to us to communicate what he wants us to do. He's not just bursting into tears at the realization that he lacks something. In fact, he doesn't shed tears at all. He just looks at his parent and raises his arms, all calm-like. It's the most amazing thing.

Now if only he could get control of himself at mealtime when the food appears... I mean, we're not waving food around to torment him or anything. He will get to eat it. He calms down as soon as the first few spoonfuls go in. It's just the beginning part that makes him go crazy.

Regression day is over!

Today was much better. Not perfect, not even great, but it did rain practically all day so we were both a little moody.