We got packages!

Alas, no news from China came in the mail. We ordered some items online and they have arrived.

One was the carseat/flightseat/stroller. It's FAA approved and nice and solid. One of the speakers at the adoption convention highly recommended this model. The handle pulls up, the wheels come down, and you can turn it into a stroller instantly - without even removing the baby!

I pulled it out of the box and tried it out right away. One of the builders, Armando, helped me. Ironically, there were no instructions in Spanish. The ONE ITEM that doesn't come with Spanish instructions, and it arrives when the only helping hand I have barely speaks English!

(Armando and I speak Spanglish to each other. I learned Spanglish in Boston y Nuevo York. El habla only a few words in Ingles.)

We did it, though. Aaaand I think I need more practice. I definitely need to get my husband to practice. When we actually have a 20-lb baby strapped inside, that's not the time to learn where the wheel release switch is.

We also got our netbook. It's kid-friendly, shatterproof, and it uses Linux as its operating system. Very cool! I don't know if Microsoft is particularly vulnerable to Chinese censorship while Linux is not, but it's possible that Linux will navigate the censors more easily.

I'm primarily concerned with posting in this blog while in China. If I have the opportunity/energy to post at all, I want this blog to be Info Central for all my waiting family members. Recently, several families have been able to post in their blogs from China. However, the parties who traveled in 2008 reported that they had trouble getting access.

Soo... what's next on our list of things to get?

A few wise, experienced moms advised me not to go overboard with the purchases. I like that advice! I'm frugal by nature. This situation is tough for me, though. I don't want to be underprepared, either, and that's the bigger risk.

In defense of Madonna's adoption efforts

I read something interesting in National Geographic this month. The benevolent dictator of Malawi had been concerned about the starvation and poverty among his people. He asked World Bank for a loan so he could buy some supercrop seeds from Monsanto (the famed agricultural megacorporation that makes Roundup and also sells seeds genetically engineered to be immune to Roundup... and is currently in a major legal battle with France over France's banning of genetically modified crops).

But I digress. In any case, Benevolent Dictator wanted his farmers to enter the 20th century with some modern, super-producing cereal crops. After all, these crops saved millions of lives in India, right? World Bank turned him down, claiming that agriculture was an inappropriate way to build up a third world nation. In fact, they had a policy specifically prohibiting loans for agricultural purposes. I'm not kidding. Find a copy of NG and read it yourself.

So what did Benevolent Dictator do? He brought his case to rich celebrities: Bono, Bob Geldoff, Madonna, and the rest of the "Save Africa" crew. They lent him lots of money. He bought seeds and fertilizer from Monsanto and distributed them amongst his farmers. He had irrigation experts come in and build irrigation systems.

And all those struggling Malawian dust farmers began to grow some serious crops. Yup, it worked. As food production skyrocketed, they tinkered with the system, adding legumes to ease their reliance on yearly fertilizer applications, and balancing out their diets.

Rice and lentils provides a complete protein, which makes it possible to eat a healthy vegetarian diet. Same for pasta and fagiole. Having incomplete proteins in your diet is a significant cause of global malnutrition. If you're subsisting on cereal grains, add some beans too!

The NG journalist was interviewing his guide for the article, and the guide mentioned the Madonna Village. See, each of Malawi's patron celebrities had a village named after them. There is, in fact, a Madonna Village.

Madonna, it seems, has had a long-standing relationship with the government of Malawi. She's given them a lot of money. She's gotten to appreciate how much her assistance has helped them.

She didn't choose Malawi out of a hat, or because it was trendily obscure, or because she was too good for established adoption routes. She has personal connections to it. Yeah, it's a tiny country, and most Americans haven't heard much about it beyond Madonna's adoption attempt. Yeah, Madonna is still strutting around like she's a sex object in her 40's. Yeah, her larger-than-life, out-there public image has lost her a lot of credibility as a normal human being in the eyes of us ordinary human beings.

I've noticed that a lot of adoption bloggers and parenting bloggers love to tear her down. I've read 5 or so opinion pieces on how offended moms are by her actions. This is my own fault; I shouldn't read so many parenting/adoption opinion blogs.

But how do these bloggers know she doesn't genuinely want to be a parent to an adopted child? How is it that I can genuinely want this but she can't? Sure, Madonna seems anything but genuine. But does that really extend to her maternal urges too? Really?

So she tried to bribe officials into speeding up the process so she could bring her son home sooner. Wouldn't you? Seriously, who among us, if we found $1,000,000 lying around, wouldn't wave it in the faces of our agents and beg, "Pleeeeeze! Pleeeeze! Just let me bring her home now!"

Especially because Malawi's policy of requiring an adoptive family to spend 6 months in the country is particularly brutal. She has other kids. She has a house (or two or three) to maintain. She has a life. Which of us regular folks wouldn't blanch at the prospect of trekking off to Malawi for six months as part of the adoption process?

Especially because she's given them millions of dollars already. They even named a village after her. What's another million? They can use it to hire 50 more nurses at a rural hospital, Madonna gets her kid 6 months early, and everyone's happy.

And then... the father shows up. And people have even less sympathy for Madonna. Now it looks like she didn't choose an orphan - she chose a child with parents. Parents who want the child.

But wait a minute. That happens all the time. It's why some families feel they can't stomach a domestic adoption and go right to an international adoption. What if the father shows up suddenly? What if the court spontaneously grants the grandparents custody? What if the mother gets out of rehab and proves she's clean? What if you fall in love with a child, and halfway through the process, you lose her?

Those 'what ifs' are a huge initial obstacle to overcome. Some people steel their guts, and sign on with DSS, and adopt a wonderful child through the state with no regrets. Some people... just can't. They mean well... they give DSS some serious thought... but they just can't. They want to go to China or Guatemala or Malawi and come home with a child they cannot lose.

Except sometimes, they can still lose the child. Like Madonna did. Other adoptive families are terrified that'll happen to them. Some consider it a 'worst case scenario'. And yet people are happy to tear into Madonna when it happens to her.

We love to see the great fall, it's said. But, I'm sorry, Louise Ciccone isn't great. She's barely taller than me. Sure, I never published a coffee table book full of photos of myself in dirty poses... but I bet Madonna has never published sketches of an earwig and a house centipede. And neither one of us deserves to be torn limb from limb by the hyper-critical press. We just want to be parents.

The Hanren

My son is most likely a member of the Han Chinese ethnic group. The Han Chinese comprise 92% of the people of mainland China, and most of the other ethnic groups live in the more remote provinces, such as Tibet and Xinjiang. As you can see from the map below, Jiangsu province is right in the middle of Han majority territory:



See where Shanghai is, on the eastern coast? Wuxi city, in Jiangsu province, is about 2 millimeters north of that.

"Hanren" means literally "People of Han." The Hanren believe they can trace their ancestry all the way back to the Yellow Emperor, Huang-di, who is said to have reigned from 2497 BCE to 2398 BCE. A lack of historical records makes this claim difficult to prove, but it's fairly likely, and of course being descended from the people of Huang-di (or the Yan Empire) doesn't preclude any given person from having other ethnicities in their ancestry as well.

The word "Han" refers to the Han River, the region that produced the members of the Han Dynasty. The Han Dynasty ruled for an impressive 400 years and conquered enough territory to be comparable to the Roman Empire in scope. After its fall, the Chinese people began to call themselves "Hanren" to distinguish themselves from the nomadic tribal peoples nearby.

There was quite a lot of ethnic assimilation in the ensuing centuries, but the term "Hanren" has dominated above other ethnic identities. The Chinese are quite proud of their ancestral connection to the Yellow Emperor and the other esteemed figures in their long and storied history.

The word "Han" can also mean "The Milky Way" or "Heavenly River."

Han is the single largest ethnic group in the world, currently comprising 19% of the world's population. To compare, the global population of people with sub-Saharan African ethnicity is around 14%. I couldn't find a reliable statistic for the group of ethnicities we know of as "white," but it seems to be somewhere around 12% of the world's population... maybe... give or take.

What does this mean? On a global scale, my kid is not a minority. He's definitely in the powerful majority in Asia, and his race isn't doing too shabbily in other parts of the world either. Practically all the Chinese immigrants to any other region of the world are Han.

Kinda puts a new spin on the idea of him facing racism, huh?

Oh, I'm sure he'll still encounter racism, but I'll tell him all about his heritage, and hopefully bolster up his sense of racial identity so that he doesn't start believing he's somehow racially inferior. Maybe he can educate his would-be detractors with a few global statistics, too.

If he does, he will totally, totally prove he's the child of his father and me. :D

Things I've learned about Zen Buddhism

1) Buddhism is not a religion by the Western definition of a religion. Prince Siddhartha invented it in Hindu India as an attempt to alleviate his subjects' suffering. The prince was a sensitive sort, raised on philosophy and given to long bouts of introspection, and he assumed the poor commonfolk were just like him. He thought that while they labored in the fields and struggled to find enough to eat, they'd find spiritual peace in navel-gazing. Somehow, it caught on.

2) As with any ancient tradition, there are many approaches. Zen is actually the Japanese version of Buddhism, imported through China. In China it's called 'Chen'.

3) In the United States, we think it's more romantic to go back to Buddhism's Indian roots and add some Sanskrit. Or even better, we add a sprinkle of Tibet. Yes, even if we're practicing a strain of Buddhism that came through China and Japan.

4) Some people try Buddhism after quitting their previous religion, which gives the impression that Buddhism is equivalent to Judaism or Christianity or whatever. However, you don't have to quit anything, just like you don't have to cancel your AAA membership to join a knitting club. Zen Buddhism offers additional spiritual services, but it doesn't replace any spiritual commitments you've already got.

5) Zen Buddhism is the strain of Buddhism that focuses on koans and nonsense. If you don't find nonsense enlightening, Zen is probably not for you. It has nothing to teach. Its purpose is to put you in a state of mind where you can realize the futility of pain and worry, and thusly be liberated from yourself.

6) This approach is heavily based in Hindu philosophy. Study up on Hinduism if you're totally lost.

7) Zen is not a replacement for talk therapy. If you expect other people to actively help you resolve your problems, Zen will be nothing short of infuriating. Zen is only useful if you plan to resolve your problems by yourself anyway, and you just need the right state of mind to do it. If you're studying under a Zen master, the Zen master doesn't actively guide you; he/she just gives you koans.

8) If you know what to do with koans, Zen is a lot of fun.

9) Zen Buddhists do have temples. Practicing Zen Buddhism in Buddhist temples is illegal in Communist China. However, maintaining the temples and their traditions for 'historical purposes' is sanctioned by the state.

10) Hey, it's not the kindest, gentlest government policy, but it used to be worse!

11) Not-religions are fairly common in China. Confucianism is another not-religion. It teaches loyalty to the family and offers a code of conduct for economy and trade, as well as diplomatic relationships between government bodies. Confucianism is essentially the study of one man's insight into traditional Chinese culture. A lot of the traditional values (pre-Communism) are reflected in Confucianism.

12) Maoist Communism offers many competing, contradicting philosophies. The Chinese people have had to get used to balancing all these philosophies. And the philosophies keep coming - nowadays there's something that could be called Post-Maoist Communist philosophy, which embraces capitalism (sort of). All these rapidly changing philosophies go a long way toward explaining the Chinese people's attitudes in life!

It's gotta be hard. You never know what to expect a day, a week, a year from now. Good thing they haven't completely forgotten their Zen. Prince Siddhartha would be sympathetic.

Adoption is hard, even when it's easy

I need a huge banner in my kitchen that reads, "WE HAVE NOT BEEN WAITING VERY LONG."

People keep asking, "Any news on the adoption?" They have glints of hope in their eyes. They're ready to cheer if I say something exciting. They want to meet the baby, coo over him, maybe even - if he doesn't mind - hold him.

"We're in that awful waiting period," I reply. "Waiting to hear from China." And my chest cramps a bit, like a pulled muscle that won't quite work itself out. That muscle has been under a small but constant strain lately. It's barely been more than two months since our dossier arrived in China, but my heart thinks it feels like two years.

The person then has a barrage of questions for me: "What will China say? When will they say it? Is this the last step? How long do you have to be in China? Will it be this summer?"

"Any minute!" I squeal. "We could get the call any minute! It could be tomorrow. Some other families got their good news last week. We could be next."

It's true. We could get our Letter Of Seeking Confirmation from China any minute. If we do, we'll be among the lucky families who didn't wait very long at all. Later, when our son is home and we're immersed in doing the parent thing, we'll say, "It seemed like eternity at the time! But now we barely remember it!" People say that when their wait is a year, two years long. Our wait has been two months so far. It might end up being three months or four months. Time to count the ol' blessings.

My husband's co-worker adopted a little boy from Nepal 2 years ago. He's 3 years old now. It was a difficult ordeal for her and her wife, but they had a good agent who played the system for them. While it's illegal to discriminate against gay families in adoption here in MA, the country of Nepal has quite the opposite philosophy. But they got their son, and just as they were bringing him home, Nepal closed to adoptions entirely.

They applied again for a second child, and their dossier waited at the top of the list as Nepal's resolved its internal issues and Hague compliance. It opened again, a few months ago. But the Ministry of Adoption and the state orphanage are till at odds with each other. Adoptive families had to choose whether to put their dossiers with the Ministry or the orphanage. Our friend's dossier ended up with the orphanage.

She soon learned that the Ministry's list was moving, but the orphanage was stalled. Families started transferring their dossiers in a hurry.

Now, our friend says, the waiting list at the Ministry is several hundred long, and if she transfers her dossier, she'll lose her prime spot at the top of he state orphanage list. The orphanage could start processing adoptions any day now. Aaaany day now. Or it might not.

That makes me feel lucky. But not necessarily happy - I ache for our friend who has to go through this ordeal. I ache for her son as he waits and waits for his sibling.

We'd like to get our sons together when Yun Gui comes home. Their son could be an instant slightly-older playmate and mentor for ours, and ours could be a friendly toddler for theirs to practice on while they wait for #2. It could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

And it will mean our son will know where he stands on the gay parenting issue. When he hears people rant about how "Johnny should NOT have two mommies!" he'll look at us and say, 'They're talking about my friend, aren't they?"

Yes, love, they are. And your friend might need you to stand up for him once in a while. Hopefully not too often, though. Luckily for us, we live in one of the most socially tolerant regions of the great liberal state of Massachusetts.

Airplane safety

I just finished reading "The Unthinkable" by Amanda Ripley, an excellent book about human behavior during disaster. It's not a disaster preparation guide, but it does discuss the good habit of people who survive.

Going to China involves air travel, of course, and we are all naturally concerned with safety issues. Therefore, I'm writing this post as a service to all of you as well as for myself.

First, remember that most airplane emergencies occur on the ground. It's scary to think of your plane plummeting from a great height and crashing to the ground in a massive explosion. However, that doesn't tend to happen - most problems come to light as the plane is preparing for takeoff, or develop gradually enough so that the pilot can bring the plane down for a safe emergency evacuation. Odds are good that you will have the opportunity to evacuate.

Read the safety card tucked into the magazine pocket at your seat. Studies have shown that reading the card increases survival rates significantly. Why? Because emergency evacuation procedures were fresh in those people's minds, and they didn't spend as much time fumbling about in panic and confusion. In fact, read it every time you get on a plane. It only takes a few minutes, and by your third connecting flight, you should have it memorized.

Confidence makes all the difference in an emergency. If you allow yourself to panic, you may freeze, scream, and/or make bad decisions. While the plane is preparing for takeoff, imagine yourself coolly and competently acting out an emergency evacuation. Run the scenario in your head a few times. Many people will say that dwelling on the worst will only make you more anxious. On the contrary, having a vague, intangible sense of emergency procedures is much scarier. People actually tend to calm down if they feel they have a good, solid understanding of what their actions should be.

Airplanes are designed to evacuate in 75 seconds or less. Even if the plane is on fire, you'll still have an average of 90 seconds of safe evacuation time. If you pay attention and don't panic, you should live.

Be aware of the types of things that can slow down an evacuation.

Don't jump over seats to reach the exit sooner - you'll only create a bottleneck that will slow the process down, and you may injure yourself and require someone else to take the time to rescue you.

Leave your carry-on luggage. One sizable bag takes as much time to evacuate as one person. If you take your bag, it's filling up a slot that may be needed by a fellow passenger. Also, scrambling to gather your stuff wastes precious seconds. Leave it all and get in line already! (The Red Cross will give you toothpaste, okay?)

Grab the children, leave the flight seats. In some cases, being strapped into a flight seat may save a baby's life, but only if he's being tossed around; for instance, if the plane is tumbling. If the plane is not tumbling, fussing with the seat/carrier/bassinet will waste precious seconds. Grab the kids and go go go.

Tell your fellow passengers the rules. Don't be afraid to order them around if they're doing it wrong. Go ahead and say, as loudly as you can, "Leave your bags! Your carry-on takes just as long to evacuate as my baby, and I need to save my baby." Don't apologize or be overly polite, and don't worry that they'll argue you down. It's not just your baby at risk - remember, the rest of us will have babies too. (And we'll beat that arrogant SOB to a pulp if he even looks at you funny!)

When the flight attendant says "Jump," jump! No hesitating! That inflatable slide has undergone thousands of safety tests so that you won't even crick your neck on the way down. So clutch that baby and jump. Most inflatable slide injuries occur when someone hurls his carry-on bag down ahead of him and it hits the person who has just reached the bottom.

Which brings me back to that very important point - leave your luggage! Srsly. Just leave it in the plane and go.

Keeping all this in mind should help you chase away that vague, nagging notion that there's something to be afraid of, and help you relax and enjoy the flight. Or, rather, flights. All eight of them.

14 months!

Today Yun Gui is 14 months old.

We still haven't heard anything from China. Not even a whisper. No updated medical records, no pre-approval, nothing. On the other hand, we haven't sent them the photo book either. We haven't even made one yet. My husband keeps saying we should, but I don't think he's picturing the same thing I am. I think it's very important to get inside a toddler's head and create pictures that his young, developing brain can relate to, regardless of what we see when we look at photos. He just wants to collect a bunch of photos. We are therefore getting nothing done.

The builders are working hard. I've been scavenging some of their discarded materials so I can build a playset. I've made illustrations of it already. I should draw up plans and post them here.

A friend promised she'd give me her huge childhood collection of beanie babies and other stuffed animals. I'll probably keep a few for Yun Gui, and the rest will go to China with us to be donated to the orphanage. Beanie babies make good luggage padding! And what kid doesn't want a kitten-sized stuffed animal to love and hug?

I wonder if any studies have been done on the relationship between stuffed animals and attachment disorder. I know studies have been done on monkeys. They found that a baby monkey would choose a cuddly, soft 'mommy' that didn't provide food over a non-cuddly food dispenser 'mommy'. In other words, baby monkeys would willingly starve to death for a hug. That's a scary thought, but an important one.

This morning I wandered around in a cemetery, gazing reverently at all the gravestones marked 'captain'. Not all of them were military captains; in fact I'm sure most were civilian fishermen. And my cemetery foray wasn't planned; it just happened to be near the coffee shop, and I just happened to have some free time for a stroll after I bought my muffin. But I'd been wanting to do something reverent for Memorial Day, and that's what i ended up doing.

I also flew in a biplane yesterday, and exchanged WWI and WWII factoids with the pilot's buddy while we waited for the plane to get prepped. I guess that was related to Memorial Day. A lot of servicemen died in biplanes. They weren't the safest military vessels of their era, let's just say.

Half a world away

On days like today, I feel so far from my son.

I think about packing up and traveling to the other side of the world, a multi-step journey involving planes, trains, and hotels, but we aren't traveling yet. We're just thinking about it. We're getting new suitcases and baby seats. We're checking the weather in Nanjing and Guangzhou. We're learning "Ni hao!" and "Bu yao, xie xie!" I met with the pediatrician and discussed Yun Gui's special needs with her.

I really like her. She's going to be a great help - she's very forthcoming with information, which is SOOOO much better than all the people who wait until I ask just the right question and then say, "Oh, is THAT what you need to know!" Or all the many, many people who offer to help me with anything, anything at all - oh, but not that. And not that either - find somebody else to ask. And you're asking the wrong person about that too.

This pediatrician has the attitude that she's never the wrong person. If I ask a question that's out of her area of expertise, she'll at least discuss it with me, and lead me in the right direction so that I can find the right person to ask. She has two adopted children of her own; she's been through the process (not to say other people haven't been through the process) and she's sympathetic to the feeling of flailing helplessness that creeps up on a waiting parent every now and then.

I'm not one for support groups, so maybe I'm exceptionally prone to flailing helplessness. I go about my day, assured that everything is all right and I'm coping fine, right up until the moment that the helplessness envelops me and knocks me over. Then I get on the phone and choke down my urgency while trying to coax some sentiments of reassurance out of my poor agents. Maybe if I did the support group thing as a preventative measure before it got that far.... but until I desperately need reassurances, I really am fine! I swear! Nothing I can't handle alone! Alleviating insecurity doesn't seem very important while I'm feeling secure.

I'm not on the phone this time. I'm just writing in my blog. I suppose everything is all right. China will look at my file when they get to it. All things in good time.

On the other hand, I would like to get a pre-approval. Just a little note that says, "The CCAA is reading your files and they think they like you."

I know my son is safe and okay in the orphanage. He's not very old yet, and we were willing to accept a child older than him. His health is stable and his surgery isn't urgent. However, I can't see much reason, now that he's been matched with us, that he can't just go ahead and get united with his family now. I don't know why someone doesn't say, "This match looks good. Go turn on the green light for them." I don't know why they can't say, "He's ready for his surgery now, so why don't we send for his parents to come get him so they can bring him to the American surgeon."

We're going to spend the rest of our lives as family. Why not start right now? Why wait? What's with this limbo of great distance? What's the point of living 13 time zones apart when we can be in the same time zone? Why not send him to live in the nice house that's waiting for him, and allow some other new baby to sleep in his orphanage crib?

I'd at least like to know that we are a good match. I want China to tell us we're good enough. I think we're good enough, but I want to hear it from someone else.

Because, well, if they don't think we're good enough, I'll be shocked and devastated, and I'd rather go through that sooner rather than later. It's probably not likely, but just hearing that we're pre-approved will assure me that it's not going to happen, rather than leaving me with the vague belief that it's unlikely to happen.

Maybe if I go to Zen meditation again, I'll feel a little better. I'll feel closer to my son. I won't be closer to him, but if I'm careful, I can possibly convince myself that I feel closer.

My first Zen meditation

I went to Tuesday Morning Zen Meditation. I'm glad I did - it put me in a relaxed mood, full of inner peace, that's defined my whole day so far. I still feel it. Of course, it also helps that nothing particularly stressful has happened since then. I finished the database for my boss, I ran errands, and then I did some physically strenuous but mentally lightweight landscaping. I got to ponder Zen some more while I laid bricks.

The meditation itself was pleasant and low-key. Five other people participated, all of them white and over 60. Yun Gui is going to wonder whether the practice is even Asian at all! We chanted, then did silent meditation, then walked a labyrinth in single file. There was another silent meditation, plus social hour, but I had to get home early because I knew my boss would call me. I wish Zen meditation were on Mondays or Wednesdays. Tuesday is the day my boss is most likely to call me with surprise tasks to do.

So, even though I missed the ending, Zen meditation achieved what I was aiming for. It relaxed me and put me in a good mood, and it made me feel closer to my son's culture. The latter goal is crucially important. In this period of waiting, I feel so remote from him, so distant from anything he's learned in life so far. I've never been to his city, country, or continent. I think very differently from how his caregivers think. The art, the scenery, the attitudes here are different. My language is very different. There's a huge cultural gap, and I want with all my heart to bridge it.

It's sad to think his religion, the religion of his ancestors, is now illegal in China. It's perfectly legal here, to whatever degree we Westerners bother to salvage and understand the bits and pieces that interest us. I know a bunch of old, affluent, white folk sitting around a circle thinking about how their day will go isn't really the genuine Asian tradition he would have grown up with, if only he'd been allowed to. Also, like I said before, he's probably from a Confucian tradition and not a Chen one. But, hey, I'm doing the best I can. And it's mostly for me, anyhow. I can't go to China right now, but I can't sit idle either.

Okay, okay, meditation is the very definition of sitting idle. Whatever! It's working, and that's what matters.

"Hurry up and wait," they say. So I will. But I'll do it in style.

Cape Cod Zen Center

I found the Cape Cod Zen Center. (Thanks, Yahoo Yellow Pages!)

I think I'll try attending Tuesday morning meditation. For one, I could use the relaxation. Gardening is pretty zen for me, but adding some meditation with a real group of zen practitioners can't hurt.

For two, it'll give me a chance to get in touch with a little more of my son's culture. Sure, his region is predominantly Confucian. But I don't expect there's a Cape Cod Confucian Center.

Hey, when we bring Yun Gui to our Catholic church, will we get Mass Confucian? Hahaha! I know, I'm so funny.

I'm no stranger to the Eastern spiritual paths, but I've never been much into formal (or informal) practice. This'll be good for me. And I'm sure I'll fit right in - all the zen masters have names like Timothy and Barbara.

They do not appear to have a martial arts school attached. I was really looking for a martial arts school. Husband'o'mine took martial arts at a Buddhist temple when he was a kid, and we'd like to give Yun Gui the same opportunity. But the closest one I found was in Watertown. Hah hah. We're not trekking to Watertown once a week just so Yun Gui can practice his karate chop.

I'm getting stuff done

Today is a Day of Many Phone Calls.

It's such a dreary day that I'm hardly inclined to move. But move I must.

So far I've called Pam the agent and gotten some much-needed clarity and reassurances.

I've called the pediatrician recommended by my local agent, got through (yay!), and made an appointment. I'll need her to tell me how to care for Yun Gui while we're in China, and prescribe me whatever special medical supplies I'll need.

I called both of my co-workers and told them to finish their schedules for April. This isn't adoption-related.

I have two more names on my adoption-related call list and I can't remember who they are. Hmm. Okay, one's a nurse. I'm supposed to ask her for general advice. Like what? I don't even know. Maybe I should talk to the pediatrician first.

Who's the other one? Eep! I can't remember.

The dangers of self-esteem

I've been reading a lot about parenting lately. Nothing radical; just a few basic books and websites that try to give mostly practical information. (Okay, the chapter about how to work from home, assuming you had a full-time nanny at your disposal, was a little out-there. But most of it's been practical.)

One thing of interest keeps popping up: a warning that first-time older parents tend to try too hard to protect their child's self-esteem, and as a result, the child grows up to be a spoiled little monster with no coping skills.

Huh. We're first-time older parents, I think. But we'd never do that.

"Older parents fall into traps such as reasoning with the child instead of disciplining him."

Hey, reason is very educational at times! How else can a child grow up to think rationally? Besides, sometimes there are reasons for things. What should I do, not mention them?

"They philosophize that it's important to allow the child to express wants and needs, but then they may rely too much on negotiating with the child to keep the peace and avoid temper tantrums."

I dunno. I'm a big believer in expressing wants and needs. It's better than stifling them.

"They believe in allowing the child choices, but then go so far that the child's choices are actually controlling them."

Okay, no. Not gonna happen. The rebellious teenager inside me does not allow anyone else to control me.

"They get into the habit of speaking to the child as they would speak to an adult, and, over time, may begin to think of the child as a small adult, capable of the maturity and understanding of an adult. The child may add to this impression by picking up big words and sophisticated language."

I'm not going to stop using big words and sophisticated language just because there's a kid around. How could I do that? I talk how I talk, and he's going to pick it up, and that's how it will be.

"Eventually the child becomes so accustomed to high levels of respect and control that, when he finds himself in social situations where he lacks those things, he doesn't know how to act or what to do. If whining or shouting at home sends his parents scrambling to comfort him, he'll expect the same results elsewhere. If rudeness is rewarded at home, he'll learn to be rude."

Okay, got it. No rudeness.

"If Mommy and Daddy come running to protect him from every failure, no matter how small, then when he fails in the real world he'll lack any coping skills to deal with it."

Ouch. No coping skills. Bad.

Okay, maybe I should pay attention after all. I may not intend to over-coddle my son, but coddling happens. Jumping up and kissing every boo-boo happens. It's not like I have anything better to do than lavish attention on my child. I have a part-time job and I volunteer, and besides that... what? Housework? Ho hum. I can drop the laundry and hug my son without the world coming to an end. I have big plans for him, lessons to teach him, wonders to bestow upon him. I want to make him feel loved, and I'll have a million opportunities in which to do it.

Uh oh. Am I at high risk of becoming one of these older parents with an incorrigible brat?

I mean, of all the dangers I'm warned against, I was planning to do a whole bunch of them.

But.

Wait.

Here's a thought.

I rescue and rehabilitate feral (and otherwise emotionally damaged) cats.

"So?" you may ask. "What do cats have to do with kids? You're not one of those crazies who thinks, "Hey, I'll be a great parent! I love my kitty-witties to DEATH!" Are you?"

Noooo, don't worry. I'm not. I'm aware that cats don't equal kids. Cats lack the brain capacity in several important ways to measure up to kids. For one, disciplining them is pointless - they do not associate the punishment with the crime - ever - under almost any circumstances. You cannot train a cat so much as you can outwit it and manipulate it.

However, once you've learned to outwit and manipulate a cat, once you've learned to adjust your mind so that you can think like it, rather than expecting it to think like you, children are almost refreshing. With children, you have a chance, however remote, of getting through to him. Of teaching concepts like consequences and empathy, things that even the brainiest cat struggles with.

And... perhaps more importantly... I know from my work with cats that I am not a pushover. When a cat with food issues begs and begs and begs for HOOOOUUUURS over a nearly-empty food bowl, looking up at you with big sad eyes and mewling in distress, it's hard not to give in and fill that bowl. Even when the cat just ate. Even when that cat weighs 11 lbs - that's like 30% overweight for a small-boned female like mine.

It takes a pretty strong spine to say, "Hah, that cat's not starving," and wait until the next scheduled feeding. But I do it every day. And guess what - she still manages to not be starving. Over time, her food issues will fade, and she'll no longer panic at the sight of a nearly-empty bowl.

I can do this. I can avoid the traps, learn to say no, and raise a boy with coping skills. Coping skills AND healthy self-esteem.